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Old 09-10-2010, 08:35 AM
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ilbegone ilbegone is offline
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Not sure why, just felt compelled to post this...

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Frum Satire

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Non-generic Jewish sects

by Heshy Fried on January 30, 2010

Everyone knows the generic Jewish sects, modern orthodox, Chassidic, reform, conservative and so on. What many people don’t know are the different sub groups or ways to call those people that venture a little from the generic categories.

Flamers: Usually referring to Baal Teshuvas that have become quite militant in their practices. Examples may include the girls that burn all of their untznius clothing and the guys that throw away all of their secular music and stop flushing the toilet on shabbos.

Flipped Out: This term is used to the process in which kids that spend the year after high school in a yeshiva in Israel when they become more frum than their parents. Those who flip out tend to lose all of their gains within 3 weeks of coming home, at which point they realize that they don’t want to fully abstain until marriage.

OTD: Off the Derech (“OTD”) is the way to describe Jews that have left the fold; It is always used as a negative connotation, implying that there is a right derech.

Bent down: A term used by Chassidim to describe black hat wearing Jews who aren’t chassids by virtue of the fact that their hat brims bend down. Chassidic hats do not have bendable brims, aka “bent up hats”.

Yellow flaggers: Within Chabad, one of the ways to show you are a meshichist is to wave yellow flags with the word moshiach on them. These yellow flags are also worn as pins or purchased in banner or bumper sticker form.

Ben Niddah: I have heard the term used twice – it’s really sick – but some folks feel the need to call baalei teshuva’s the sons of women who didn’t go to the mikvah, and hence they were niddahs at the time of conception. Truly disgusting.

Hava Nagila Jews: A way to describe Jews whose only connection to Judaism is through the dance of hava nagila. These tend to be the types of Jews that feel the need to be drinking manishevetz wine in their you tube videos.

Whacky Zionists: Way to describe people who feel that wearing white knitted yarmulkes and speaking Hebrew in really thick American accents makes them Zionistic.

Frummies: Derogatory way to describe overzealous Orthodox Jews who feel the need to take on unnecessary stringencies.

Hockers: People who like to talk but never actually say anything. They are the types who always “know someone who can help you”, as long as you never actually take them up on that offer.

Tuna Beigels: Chassidim who are not chassids anymore (i.e. with the garb and/or practicing) but they still sound as though they are, to the extent that when they order a tuna bagel they say “beigel” in a thick Yiddish accent.

Heimishe: The all encompassing term used to describe black hat and Chassidic Jewish establishments and family types. Commonly used to describe something that is of lower quality and very religious. Examples include Hiemishe Steakhouses, heimishe dry cleaners and heimishe families.

Lubbies: Short for lubavitcher

Snags: The chabad slang for misnaged which literally means people opposed to Chassidim. I have only heard Snag used by chabadnicks or people close to chabad.

Hot Chanie: An Orthodox woman who only wears skirts, but insists on maintaining her sexiness through very short skirts, sexy wigs and tight shirts. The “hot” in the term is a misnomer; these women are not necessarily considered hot.

Sheitle Hookers: Women that wear sheitles, hooker boots and mini skirts.

Egal: Short and hip way to say egalitarian.

Flexidox: One day you’re orthodox and the next day you get a bacon cheeseburger after going to shul.

Orthoprax: People that are orthodox in practice but not in belief, I bet you there are a lot more of these people within the orthodox community, but it seems they are all in the closet.

http://www.frumsatire.net/2010/01/30...-jewish-sects/
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Last edited by ilbegone; 09-10-2010 at 08:40 AM.
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