Save Our State - Dating in midlife can be a challenge

Dating in midlife can be a challenge

October 17, 2010

By MITCHELL ROSEN

Special to The Press-Enterprise

"I'd rather stay home, eat pizza and watch Netflix than go out on a date."

These are the comments I hear from men and women rejoining the single's market after being in a relationship for most of their lives.

To be honest, I don't know many individuals who actually love dating. Some are good at it. They can make easy banter and thrive on meeting new people but most feel self-conscious and the thought of rejection causes them pause.

With the divorce rate in California hovering at about 50 percent, there are a plethora of men and women of all ages finding themselves suddenly single.

It was certainly easier to meet people in high school. Almost everyone was passing notes, telling their best friend who they liked and mustering the courage to ask out someone out.

Dating in midlife, which is anywhere from 25 to 85 years old, is quite a challenge. Most meet prospective partners through work, mutual friends and now, cyber dating. If you have ever had a friend who longed for a partner yet was unwilling to put themselves out there, then you understand the cliche, "You aren't going to meet Mr. or Ms. Right by sitting in your living room. It is unlikely they will come crashing through your family room wall and ask you out."

These observations are usually met with, "I know but I hate dating. I hate the small talk, asking what happened with your last relationship and fumbling with romance like I was 19 years old. Yuuuch! I'll read a book or watch reruns."

Trying to act smooth and accomplished at dating is tough. Very few of us can pull it off. Trying to appear at ease usually comes across as stiff, uninterested or aloof.

It seems to be more productive to be honest from the get go. Let the person sitting across from you know this is unfamiliar territory, that it's been years since you've dated but that you are tired of sitting home. This does not sound desperate, it sounds honest.

Avoid the temptation of bashing your ex or going into much detail about your romantic past. Questions like how many people have you dated, been with, lived with etc. is not the fodder of first dates. Yes, many would like to know the answer to these questions, but just getting to know somehow as opposed to being vetted is probably a better idea.

Some men and women also confide in me that in their 30s, 40s or 50s, they find it awkward to ask to go slow in the romance department.

While it may be true no one in the room is pure as the driven snow, it is also true being intimate is very personal and is not like shaking hands. Take the time you need and put out of your mind the well-meaning sentiments of friends who advise "It is expected now right away."

Actually nothing is expected; it is uncharted territory for most of us.

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