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ilbegone
10-19-2009, 01:51 PM
You might be a socialist if ...

By Shane Dale
Arizona Daily Wildcat
Monday October 21, 2002

I have a confession for all the war protesters out there: You guys inspire me. Your assertion that an absence of a military strike against Iraq would actually benefit the Iraqi people and lead to fewer innocent lives lost in the long run caught me off guard. And hey, a lot of people showed up on a Saturday morning to protest America, which tells me that UA's professors continue to do a marvelous job.

You've shown me that I seriously need to reconsider my capitalist, imperialist points of view. Maybe socialism really isn't that bad.

So I went the Jeff Foxworthy route and started thinking about some signs that I may be converting without even realizing it. Here are some that I came up with that you fellow capitalists out there should feel free to apply to your lives as well.

If you see a man walking down the street with a leg cast, and think to yourself, "That's not right. Everyone should have to wear a cast until that guy's leg heals " you just might be a socialist.

If you scorn Ralph Nader for being a capitalist pig well, I'm sorry to inform you that you could be a socialist.

If you think that, since unattractive people are constantly discriminated against in higher education, Affirmative Action should be extended to include an "ugliness" quotient you may want to look into the possibility of being a socialist.

If you think the fastest person in a footrace should have to start 50 feet behind everyone else to make it fair you might be a socialist.

If you think home field advantage should be flipped so as to grant it to the teams with the lesser record, because they obviously need the most help there s an outside chance that you could be a socialist.

If you believe that every prisoner is being denied basic human rights until they have the right to extended basic cable you might be a socialist.

If you think body-builders should be required to donate a portion of their muscle mass to skinnier people until everyone's able to adequately lift that 50-pound sack of dog food I'd say there's a prospect of your being a socialist.

If you think the "corporate media" did a disservice to last month's IMF protests because they portrayed the protester's crank 911 calls in a "negative light" you might be a socialist.

If you think Osama bin Laden would be lauded by the press if he were a clean-cut white man you might be a socialist.

If you blame the extinction of the dinosaurs on fossil fuel emissions from SUVs you might be a socialist.

If you think vaccinations were merely invented to keep the poor man from collecting welfare you might be a socialist.

If you think the Utah Jazz were moved from New Orleans in an attempt by fascist, white Mormons to hijack the black man's music you might be a socialist.

If you believe in reparations for blacks, Hispanics, Asians, Arabs, women, transsexuals, poor whites, fat people, anorexic people, people shorter than 5-foot-1, people taller than 5-foot-11, redheads, greyhounds, baseball players who couldn't make it past Double A, and football players who could only make it in the CFL you absolutely, positively need to explore the possibility of being a socialist.

If you're too proud to work for a living but not too proud to panhandle at a community college you just might be a socialist.

If you believe in a "redistribution of weather," in order to guarantee every world climate of temperatures no warmer than 80 degrees and no cooler than 65 degrees as well as an annual rainfall between 15 inches and 20 inches I'd say you may want to investigate the prospect of your being a socialist.

If you think there should have been a proposition in last week's Iraqi elections that would allow Saddam Hussein to use the bones of gassed Kurds to construct defense shelters for use against imperialist American military force you might be a socialist.

If you believe every item up for bids on The Price is Right, from trailer to toaster, should have an actual retail price of $19.95 you just might be a socialist.

And finally: If you agree with everything your political science professor says there's a slight to moderately slight chance that you might be a socialist.

Consider yourself warned.

http://wc.arizona.edu/papers/96/40/03_4.html